The Kama Sutra of Trivia Night

Image for post
Image for post

[This is another in a series of humor pieces I’m writing for a possible future book. If you enjoy it, please comment, like and share.]

Has your love life been a little stale lately? Looking to spice things up in the bedroom? Well, have I got some advice for you!

As you probably know, sizzling romance starts long before you get behind closed doors. The best love-making simmers over time through flirting, whispering, insinuating, and other super sexy baby steps. (In fact, those steps can sometimes lead to actual babies.)

You did know that, right? Not the baby-making part, but the slow simmering thing. Because, until recently, I had no clue.

I used to think the juicy stuff started and ended in the bedroom. I thought it began when I put on my Harry Potter pajamas and ended when she ran to get a wash cloth.

So imagine my surprise when I learned that you can tempt and tease your partner for hours while out on the town. In fact, through some quick hands-on research, I have discovered some little-known ways to drive my woman wild while at a common social event: Trivia night!

And, I’m about to share all of my woman-teasing tips with you.

But don’t worry, ladies. You can use these same hot tips to turn on your men, too. Did I say men? I meant “man.” Of course, as a respectful woman, you’d be focusing your attention on one man. Right?

Although, if I’m writing this to a collective group of “ladies,” I suppose “men” would be accurate, as it refers to all of the individual men you will all be enticing.

Of course, you ladies can also use these tips to turn on other ladies. And you guys to work your magic on other guys. And if you’re polyamorous, I guess these can apply to whatever gender you want and as many partners as you can handle.

Okay … Let’s just say if you’re a person (and I assume you are, if you’re reading this), you can use these tips to attract other people-type persons.

Okay, now that I’ve navigated those social land mines, let’s get to the good stuff.

The good stuff

If you take your honey to a theme night, make sure you know what you’re getting into. For example, if you sign up for a trivia night on Eighteenth Century French monarchs, make sure you know something about old butterflies from France. Got it?

A lot of churches hold trivia nights. But beware. They can be problematic. One time I attended a trivia night at a church and ended up hitting on someone’s sister. They didn’t like that at all. I know this because after I flirted with her, everyone insisted I call her Sister Mary Francis. Jeez. Those Catholics are such prudes.

Trivia theme nights can be fun, and most encourage players to dress up. For instance, you could be Batman for Super Hero Night. Or dress as Frank Sinatra for Classic Movie Night.

Once I went to an Olympics Trivia Night and showed up in nothing but a Speedo. Boy, was I surprised when I found out it was actually a Winter Olympics Night. That one didn’t go so well.

And that’s why you have to put some serious thought into which trivia night event you attend. Some great romantic theme nights include Love Songs, Wine and Roses, and Harry Potter.

Hey, I already have the pajamas for that last one. And when I eventually get my lady home for the night, I’m already in my lovemaking attire. Bingo!

And the winner is …

Winning is the world’s most powerful aphrodisiac. The adrenaline can be intoxicating. Why do you think pro athletes and Academy Award winners attract all the babes (and hunks and other appealing persons)? Why do you think Charlie Sheen likes to tweet #Winning so much? See what I mean?

So pull out all the stops and do whatever you can to increase your chances of being a winner on trivia night. However, if you don’t win, lots of cheap wine can be intoxicating too and often has the same “winner effect.”

With a little help from my …

As I’ve already stressed, you want to do everything you can to increase your odds of being victorious. Winning the whole trivia contest itself would be the ideal way to do that.

So be sure to invite your smartest friends to join you at the table. You also want people who have specialized, encyclopedic knowledge on a wide range of subjects.

So here’s your new rule: Invite your closest, smartest friends who have specialized, encyclopedic knowledge on a wide range of subjects. Cool?

However, don’t invite friends who are super attractive. You don’t want your date to be stealing glances at Jack or Jane or Febrezio … and ignoring you.

(Yes, I actually played trivia with a hunky guy named Febrezio. I’m not sure what nationality he was, but the room always smelled fresher when he left.)

Anyhow, don’t invite your closest or smartest friends if they’re really hot. Unless you have the polyamorous thing going and you hope to score with multiple people that night.

Otherwise, here’s your newer new rule:

Invite your ugliest friends who have specialized, encyclopedic knowledge on a wide range of subjects. There. That’s better.

You are what you eat

(By the way, “super expensive” is not the actual brand name of the hummus. It’s just how I refer to the exotic brand I buy at Whole Foods. Mainly because I’m not sure how to pronounce the name on the package. I think it’s French. Or Polynesian.)

One night when I really wanted to turn up the heat, I brought oysters on the half shell to trivia night. My date swooned. I’m just not sure if it was because of my sensuous food choice or the thick aroma of seafood in the air. So you might want to hold off on that one.

To really class up your act and win her (or him or them) over, ditch the beer and bring a couple bottles of vintage wine with some appropriate appetizers. I find that a 2006 Vie di Romans Dessimis Pinot Grigio pairs very well with Funyuns. If that helps.

Like I mentioned earlier, make sure your date has enough to drink, but not too much. Remember, you want this evening to end in a predominantly conscious romantic encounter.

You, on the other hand, should not get tipsy at all.

No matter how much you think booze might help you relax and feel confident and overcome your anxiety and fear of being around women and the terror you feel any time you are in their presence, and no matter how much it numbs the sickening depths of sorrow you endure when …

Um … like I was saying, just be smart about how much alcohol you consume. Plus, you’re going to need to stay sharp all night if you’re going to lead your trivia team to victory.

Believe me, drinking too much can cloud your mind. One time at a trivia night, after pounding down about five PBRs, I insisted that the right answer was “Very Wrong!” I had to bang on the table and threaten to flip it over to get everyone on my team to go with that answer.

We didn’t win that round. I could have sworn the question was “How wrong does it make your girth to sit on someone in Texas?” Clearly, the right answer would be “Very Wrong!” But the actual question was, “How long does it take for the Earth to spin once on its axis?” Boy, was my face red.

So please, play trivia responsibly.

Mulligan stew

Insist on springing for the entire cost of the mulligans yourself. Do not accept money from anyone else at the table, especially your date. This is a great way to display your Alpha Male prowess early in the evening (or your Alpha Female prowess, or whatever the gender-neutral or polyamorous equivalent is).

Here’s another way to take control and show you are in charge:

Insist on being the answer writer. Someone has to write down your table’s answers for each round. It might as well be you!

Warning: When you play the important role of the trivia answer writer, be sure to get everyone else’s input. Even when you instantly know the correct answer to every round, don’t make the mistake I made once and just write it down and yell out “Next!”

Being overly confident will inspire lots of eye rolls and dirty looks from your table mates, and a negative reaction from your date. That won’t lead to a sizzling night of romance. So, even though you (and I) know ALL the answers, at least act like you want consensus and care what everyone else thinks.

Also, when the ugly, smart friends at your table all agree on an obviously wrong answer, you must decide how much to argue for the clear right answer. To fire up a member of the opposite (or same) sex you must demonstrate a delicate dance between masculine (or feminine) confidence and caring sensitivity.

Sadly, sometimes you’ll just need to ignore your ego and let the ignorant people at your table have a fleeting moment of actually thinking their dumb answer is the right one. Even when those jerks have no clue.

My hottest, hot tip

One night when I was working my charms on a sweet girl named Bambie, we had a question during the 1980s Baseball round about a player named Fernando who was internationally famous. Everyone at the table knew the answer was “Valenzuela.” But the apple of my eye ended up slurring something about “ABBA.” You know, the band from Sweden.

I saw this as a golden opportunity. I insisted that ABBA was the correct answer and, despite some intense emotional protests around the table, I wrote down ABBA and turned in the form. (I was the answer writer, after all.)

Of course, the correct answer was Valenzuela. As the disappointment and jeers of “We told you so” echoed around the table, Bambie felt horrible.

It was the perfect moment for me to swoop in, wrap my arms around her, and comfort her — paving the way for a potentially hot encounter.

It was effective, because up until that point I had not intimately engaged with Bambie at all. But that strategic move gave me the opportunity to stand up, walk down to the other side of the table where she sat next to Kyle, and give her a reassuring squeeze.

Ultimately, she ended up leaving that night with Kyle, the dumb bodybuilder I had invited to help with sports questions. But still, I think this tactic has great potential to be finessed and used successfully (especially when I invite more ugly, out-of-shape friends).

So, there you have my top tips on how to get your date worked up at trivia night and have her (or him or them) screaming for more. Sure, they may end up screaming for more mulligans or more kale chips or more wine … but at least you will have gotten a rise out of somebody.

And, if all else fails, do what I do: Go home alone, slip into your Harry Potter pajamas, and watch a movie. I hear there’s a good documentary on ABBA.

[This is another in a series of humor pieces I’m writing for a possible future book. If you enjoyed it, please comment, like and share.]

Written by

My mission in life is to inspire & empower people through audio affirmations, guided meditations, books, podcasts, music, art, coaching, and improv comedy.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store