NOTE: This is a tongue-in-cheek article. In it I make fun of both sides of the aisle. My hope is that even ultra conservatives (or at least some of them) will get a chuckle out of this. No actual Republicans (or Democrats) were harmed in the writing of this post.
How to Republican-Proof Your Home
One of the smartest things you can do to improve the value of your liberal home is to spend a few hours Republican-proofing your dwelling.
It doesn’t have to be an election year or primary season to take action. Any time is a good time to do some basic home improvement in this area.
At first glance, it may seem like a daunting task for a progressive thinker like you. But if you use the simple tips I outline here, and if you’re willing to take an afternoon off from yoga and baking your own organic granola, I promise your home will stay Republican-free for years to come.
1) Exterior Repellents
The best place to start is the outside of your home. You want to ward off those pesky Republicans before they ever set foot inside.
Here are some things that have worked for me …
Park your Prius in the driveway or right in front of your house. Even if you have a garage (one that’s clean enough to actually fit your car in), park that fancy hybrid vehicle out in the open, where any climate change denier can plainly see it.
Next, change your address to 420. Put these numbers on your mailbox and the front of your house using a big, bold font.
Why 420? That’s the secret code that refers to the consumption of cannabis. It also identifies you with pot-smoking culture, which can be a big turnoff for certain Republicans.
Don’t ask me how this 420 meme got started. I was stoned when I read about it, so I forgot.
And don’t act like you’ve never heard of it. You’re a card-carrying liberal, so I know better.
If you can somehow arrange for the Republican(s) to arrive at your home at 4:20 AM or PM, all the better.
And if they arrive at 4:20 on April 20, I’m pretty sure a vortex will appear and suck them into an alternate universe. At least that’s what I read once … I think.
Yes, I know that changing your address can be a challenge. It might prompt an uncomfortable conversation with your mail man. (I’m sorry, I meant to say “postal carrier”).
But it will be good for you to connect with another human being on life’s journey. Who knows? He or she may even end up attending your next ACLU meeting.
(I’m sorry, I should have been more gender neutral. I meant to say, “This individual may end up attending your next ACLU meeting.”)
For added protection
These first two steps alone may be enough to ward off many conservatives. However, here are some extra measures you can take …
Purchase a Gloria Steinem welcome mat and place it outside your front door. This should cause a gag reflex in any self-respecting Republican, and it will hopefully chase them away. Although some conservatives may actually enjoy stepping on it.
(Note: I’ve never actually seen a Gloria Steinem welcome mat. So, if you can’t hunt one down, I’m sure you can find a DIY tutorial on Pinterest or YouTube showing you how to create one yourself.)
Your final line of defense before they get inside is the front door itself. My advice is to remove your door bell and replace it with a large door knocker.
But not any door knocker will do. I recommend investing in a custom-made knocker that resembles a modern-day liberal icon, such as Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, or Barack Obama.
Believe me, 90 percent of Republicans will not want to touch it. Especially if they have to stand on the Gloria Steinem welcome mat at the same time. The effect will be like garlic to a vampire.
The Republican will be frustrated and confused and have no way of alerting you to their presence. That should shoosh them away pronto.
(Note: If you’re not sold on the door knocker idea and insist on having a doorbell, replace the usual “ding dong” sound with a short audio clip from Beyonce’s “Formation” song. That could be effective as well.)
2) Interior Repellents
No matter what you do on the exterior, Republicans may still work their way into your house. They might sneak in during an open house or Herbalife party. Or, they might gain access as the person you hire to fix your plumbing or perform a strip-o-gram.
(On second thought, scratch that strip-o-gram idea. I just had a mental image of Mitch McConnell naked. Please wipe that visual from your memory, if it’s not too late. Where’s the Men in Black memory stick when you need it?)
Regardless of how they got in, here are some important steps you can take to repel the conservatives once they infiltrate your home …
The first line of interior defense is audio. So make sure to crank up a great liberal song or two. Anything from Straight Outta Compton by N.W.A would work, as well as tracks from your “Down with the Establishment” playlist on Spotify.
However, considering these Republicans will most likely be older white guys, you may need to play songs by artists they are familiar with. Neil Young’s “Ohio” or anything by Barbra Streisand should do the trick.
(Note: Whatever you do, don’t play Ted Nugent! That will just attract swarms of Republicans. And you don’t want that!)
Pile it on!
Your primary repellent strategy inside your house is to bombard them with anti-Republican stimuli. You want to overwhelm their senses to the point they are driven mad and have no choice but to run away.
First, make sure your walls are adorned with framed posters. Themes that have been most effective for me are Occupy Wall Street and anything that identifies you as part of the 99% or depicts Monsanto as one the four GMO Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Bonus points if you can find a poster that features a disparaging image of Halliburton.
If the Republican is still in your house, invite him or her … er, I mean, invite this individual … to have a seat on the couch. (This would be a great time to use seat covers, by the way.) Offer the unwanted person a cup of organic, fair trade, green tea.
On the coffee table in front of them have recent issues of Mother Jones, Rolling Stone, and Utne Reader magazines, as well as a stack of books by authors such as Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.
Turn on the TV before you leave the room to brew the tea. Make sure to cue up a Michael Moore documentary or anything starring Al Franken or Sean Penn.
For the older white guys, a Jane Fonda workout video could do some damage as well.
When all else fails …
If the Republican has endured this onslaught and still hasn’t left, that means you’ve got an extreme hardcore conservative on your hands. A real nasty one that’s built up resistance after years of watching FOX News and pleasuring themselves while listening to Rush Limbaugh.
It’s time to bring out the heavy artillery!
Deliver the tea in a large mug that proudly displays your recent trip to Denmark. Pull out an LGBT coaster to set the mug on as you launch into a monologue about how awesome the Scandinavian countries are.
For added ammunition, toss your guest a Planned Parenthood throw pillow, a Karl Marx napkin, and a rainbow-colored Pride Fest blanket … and watch the sparks fly!
Of course, that spark you see will be the trail left behind as your Republican pest dashes out of your house, never to return again.
And there you have it: My top tips on how to Republican-proof your home.
Now you can get back to watching Oprah and saving the whales. Or is it the polar ice caps? Or maybe the rain forest?
I forgot what we’re saving this week. I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Did you enjoy this? Please comment, like and share if you did!